Recent Happenings

I haven't really been motivated to write about FFXI recently because I've been more or less doing the same thing I've been doing since the last time I wrote a little something on the game. Not that that's a bad thing, I just don't want to sit here and bore the living fuck out of my would-be readers. I've had a lot of different things happen in the last month especially in real life. I even went dancing and had a wonderful time with two of my favorite people in game (/wave Lea and Zar!). I plan on going to FFXI's fanfest in December which happens to be in Cali and it seems a lot of people who I know will be going, so it'll be exciting. My real life work is always an adventure and seemingly enough I've been getting to bed recently at a decent enough hour. Go figure.

I tend to think when things in life are neither great or bad that that is when life is truly good. Surely my life has been chugging along and I've been taking a minimal amount of punches recently from everyone, including my family, people at work, and idiots in game. Maybe it's just that time of year where people are just chill. I know I am. Life's been pretty good needless to say.

I've been working gradually on leveling White Mage to 75 after 3 years and I'm almost there, it's at 71 almost 72 now. It's quite exciting to ding into Herald's Gaiters and other gear. Overall I'm mostly completed with WHM gear wise. I think the only things I'm really missing is AF2 body and legs for a fully awesome and sexually attractive WHM. Lawl...I didn't just say that. REALLY I didn't!

The LS is still going strong though I've seen a slight decrease in attendance, but that's probably normal considering the time of year. We lost a really good tank and a WHM with shitty attitudes about a month ago, but I think outside of not camping HNMs so much there hasn't been to much of a change. We've still gotten Tiamat without them so I think eventually things will begin to eventually pick-up. I'm looking forward to more pwning with my LS, everyone is doing a pretty decent job and I couldn't be happier.

I am happy, I am but I've also been on edge lately, and I have no fucking clue as to why. Everyone has taken some sort of notice though I've told them that I'm okay, which I am. But like I said I have no idea why I feel like that, but it's not affecting me so much that I'm going to cut people, unless of course they cut me first. Maybe it's hormones, /shrug.

Another Political Rant

God, what can I say? In terms of overall political views it's either A or it's B. That is, Republican or Democrat. Conservative or Liberal. Realist or Idealist. To be perfectly honest, I can't really say I fit any of these categories, though I'd really hate to say I'm smack dab in the middle able to move left or right depending on the direction of the wind. I tend to believe that much of our political beliefs come from not only our upbringing but also from our general outlooks on life itself. Depending on who you are exactly you may or may not have a particular view or share a specific philosophy as most of our lives differ so much. A woman who had a late term abortion for financial reasons may be considered the deadliest of sins for a woman who remained abstinent until she was married and had enough income to support a family whether it be through her own hard work and/or her husband's. Our political beliefs can also be directly linked to a certain stage of our lives. For instance, we may shift from a more Liberal to a Conservative viewpoint as we age. And really it's no surprise especially with how the two major political parties in the U.S. are today.

The Dems, especially with Barrack Obama at the helm seem to me as portraying themselves as a "Robin Hood" kind of party. A steal from the rich and give to the poor kind of group. And sure, from someone coming from a destitute background who only wants to achieve some sort of success in the world I can see why they would side with the Democrats and more Liberal points of view. They want to have everything that all the other people have. Hell, arguably the Dems are the party of the "have-nots" promising to make them "haves" with pipe dreams of true equality etc. Everyone should have everything everyone else has am I right? That's how most people in America see it. Material things have our country by the proverbial nut-sack.

Our country is luxuourious in the best sense of the word. We were and still are a post-modern Rome in the world, which is why every other country hates us. It's natural for people who are less fortunate and have nothing to detest those lucky enough to have everything that they do not including not only material things, but also opportunites. Is it bad when our own people start to do the very same thing the rest of the world has been doing to us since we made our lucky break after the American Civil War? I'd say so. I'd say the rest of the world is rubbing off on us. I'd say that the majority of Americans are trying to make sense of why the rest of the world hates us, and can only make sense of it by taking their point of view as their own.

I think it is on purpose that all of this is happening. Not to say that some evil genius sat down and engineered this problem, but I think the media, our politicians, our school teachers, and our parents made it a point to us that we should begin to hate the United States for what it is. I'm sure that the whole problem began sooner than the late 60s but surely it was then that we could've, should've, handled this problem with the utmost care. Although I'll be perfectly honest, in the end, whenever that may be, I don't think this would've been preventable.

Sure I'll admit. I share some Liberal points of view, I don't live the life of the straight and narrow conservative tight-ass to the letter, but I also know what's good for me. Work is something I MUST do. It is a duty to the success of myself. To the establishment of my mere existence. I cannot live without it, and work cannot live without me. Work cannot live without anyone, and everyone cannot live without work. Without work and sacrifice, our country would've never been.

It seems to me that most people voting Dem this election are those who want a free ride through life. They are those who think something is terribly unfair with the system of capitalism sitting there wondering, "Why can't I get a piece of that Banana Creme Pie?" Both of the candidates are absolute shit. Obama is just the person that'll end up fucking those of us ho try harder more in the end. I'd like to live in in a castle on Mars one day with fifty foot walls. With capitalism by my side, I theoretically could do it. Under capitalism you can do anything as long as you have collateral to back it up. Under a socialist society, however, I'll be hardpressed to even get a fifty foot wall built, even if I did earn it all by myself. Under a socialist economy and government they'd take the money I busted my ass for and give it to some schmuck who hasn't worked a goddamn day in his/her life to support his/her crack cocaine habit. What right does the government have to say, I'm too fortunate? If I put hard work into becoming that way why should they be able to take that away? It's not fucking right at all people, it's dead wrong! Dead fucking wrong.

If you earn something you should be able to reap the rewards of it. Plan and simple.

I remember sitting in early middle school with shiny new text books in social studies. I remember reading a whole chapter on socialism, Karl Marx and the like. A whole chapter! I remember being tested on it. The other thing I remember was thinking it wasn't such a bad idea, this socialism thing. I know better now of course, but I sit here and wonder out of the people that were taught about socialism in school and also thought it was a good idea, if they still think it is a good idea. I'd imagine the majority of those individuals do. I don't remember being taught about freedom much during my childhood and how important it is. I wasn't taught much about how the idea of freedom forged our country bringing a group of people together to defend a tangible ideal, especially towards the end of life in school. However, I do remember learning about socialism. Go figure.

Courage

I've been thinking a lot about courage recently. And needless to say, without it, I wouldn't have been able to get beyond the adversity that I've had in my life thus far. Standing up against insurmountable odds is courage. Everyday we are up against possible hurt or difficulty somehow thrown into the paths. Anything can happen at anytime, being able to live beyond that and speak about is only possible by standing up for what you truly believe. Living life itself takes a lot of courage, people murder themselves everyday because they simply felt they couldn't hack it by dealing with the cards they were given. I often wonder had people who committed suicide been more courageous and saw their destinies fulfilled, if the majority of them would be with us today. Life isn't a black hole, I don't think it was meant to be. We're here to learn something and face adversity with all guns blazing.

I've been apprehensive about things before. About committing myself to making something happen. It's like an invisible force that says "no you fucking can't." This outlook is brought on partially by fear, and partially by our natural human response towards making logical decisions. I think getting beyond this barrier is one of the most difficult things a person can do for themselves. Courage is about standing up for yourself, even if you're bound to fail. Failure begets eventual success, at least that's how I see it. Hell, the guy who made Hershey's Chocolate a household name failed more times with his business ventures than I can count on my hand. He eventually made it in the world because he had the courage to keep going. Running away from your dreams or problems for that matter will only result in depression, feelings of despair, further fear from overcoming adversity, as well as self-hatred. I've been there, I've seen myself at my worst, ready to drown myself in the bathtub because I thought I couldn't handle life. Something happened though. Something clicked, and I was the only one to ignite that within myself. It takes a lot to say "I can do this." It really does, but doing things is the only way we get things done.

Chew on that for a while! I bet it'll make your mouth tired from all the strength you'll need mustering up a little courage the next time you need it!

The Secret to Life: Whole People Live by Stereotypes (even if they don't admit it)

You know I noticed that it’s not often that I discuss my transexuality on this blog much at all, and for good reason, if I talked about it all day long until my face was blue it would become boring and my blog would be branded as being static, at least in my eyes. So anyway, I was thinking maybe I should change it up, and talk about it a little bit. I hope this ends up to be an entertaining read.

My whole life, I have adored music because there is nothing quite like it. Music evokes feeling and turns it into sonic energy, at least the good music does. I’ve gone through various stages of growth in my taste for music just as a child grows to like tomatoes or something as they get older. Despite all the changes one thing remained the same about my outlook on music. Epic and depressing music always struck a chord with me, in particularly the kind of music termed Metal nowadays (and not this shitty American hard core stuff either REAL METAL like Ronnie James Dio). I remember sitting in the back of my Dad’s 1971 RS Camaro (omg beautiful car btw), listening to Black Sabbath’s “Heaven and Hell” and Meat Loaf’s “Bat Out of Hell.” I couldn’t get enough of these two tapes, not to mention they both had epic and depressing qualities to the architecture of the actual music. During my Freshmen year of High School my thirst for music with these qualities grew to an all-time high and by the time I had discovered bands like Cradle of Filth, Darkthrone, and Emperor. My life was never quite the same after that, I was so inspired I even had a short 4 year stint playing guitar in a fairly well known group of musicians. This was all before I started my transition. Back when I was a guy, back before all the problems I’ve had with my family and everything in general. This was even before FFXI if you believe that!

After I began my transition, I was still more/less the same person, I mean, it’s not like I had a hormonal lobotomy removing any memory of my past and likes or dislikes. I had stopped writing and performing music, but my tastes still remained the same. Which left everyone that knew me before pretty confused. “Girls don’t like Metal wtf, and girls definitely don’t play this kind of Metal! How can we honestly believe this, how can we accept this after the lifestyle you lived in the past…” (etc., etc., etc. into the infinities of the second proto-star system of Proxima Centauri) This whole dialogue still goes on today among my once trusted family, and it comes to no surprise since they already have their own preconceptions of which qualities make and do not make a female. Hell, everyone does, same goes for how people preconceive behavior for men. I can’t remember the number of times that I heard that stereotypes don’t exist yadda yadda yadda, but the fact is that they do exist. The media is mainly to fault here. Why do you think some women have image problems? Because there are certain hallmarks or stereotypes that they feel they MUST fulfill to be a whole person. Let’s go through the list of what the media expects a female to be.

-Attractive

-Slender (i.e perfect body)

-Well-endowed (breast wise)

-Sensitive

-Strong and/or Strong-Willed (only prevalent in recent memory…uh go Wimmin Power?!)

-Seductive

-Stylish

-Vegetarian or Vegan

-Smart to an extent

-Timid

-Savvy

-Caring

-Sex object or a walking Vagina

-A baby factory

These are just a few things that I notice personally from the media that I have seen younger females especially try to emulate. I mean gosh, all I see nowadays is walking Vaginas and Penises, it’s terrible in my point of view. It seems sex is all that comes to this life. But I definitely would have to disagree, just as I disagree with all the stereotypes filling everyone’s head to the brim with images of these stereotypes.

I get it. I think. In the REAL world women aren’t allowed to be interested by war, politics, METAL, eating a nice juicy steak (even though I hate steak, some women like steak!), video games, speaking their minds when they have a strong opinion about something, females aren’t allowed to be anything a man is. Omg did I just say that? If a female has any male personality qualities, I think men and their staunch supporters view it as further demeaning what it means to have a penis inside of your trousers. Idk, the gender gap is pretty, well, loose at this particular point in time so I really don’t know what the big deal is, I guess some people are still old fashioned even if they are twenty years old. The internet makes a lot of subjects seem less impacting than they really are. Some people STILL think homosexuals are bad or evil people. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure there are some bad and evil homosexuals somewhere, for other reasons entirely, like killing 75,843,985,734 people, but most couldn’t be anywhere close to that amount of sheer iniquity. We might as well come out at this point and say any person of either gender that does not live under the stereotypes brought on by the media isn’t a person at all. The world is actually becoming this too. People that color outside the lines are blackballed by the normal folk for not following their ideas. The anti-culture of the 60s has become that movement. But anyway, I’m rambling quite a bit. I guess the point of this is, I’m a weirdo girl, I like Heavy Fuckin’ Metal, video games, and politics among other things. I won’t lie, I do have some aspects physically and mentally in the stereotypes I listed above, but don’t live up to every single one. It doesn’t make me any less of a person or any less a female.