Cast Down, with Desire

Wrap--yourself in plumes of silver smoke
And breathe the cinders of your plight.
Bleed--yourself where the water dressed the skin
In red, it'll be hurt...you'll leave behind.

Forgiveness is for those of us
Who resign to cowardice
And restrain the longings
Of the flesh
In bleak black eloquence
Once the chains are placed
The bondage of on our wills are crawling in
Lash the need, dissolve restriction
From the eighth deadly sin.

Drink--yourself in that lost and weary way
And forget the nights that were your last.
Feel--yourself in Pleasure's passion Pain
And don't forget the role that you were cast.

In shame covered distrust
All the life, that once was spoken
(That once was spoken...)
Has all but faded into the past...

...Towards the bottom of the glass
(The bottom of the glass...)

New YouTube + FileFront sites

Hey folks, just wanted to make everyone aware that I am beginning to gradually put videos up of my adventures in Vana'diel and otherwise on the web for your viewing pleasure. You can find NQ streaming versions at youtube.com/lilithslave, and HQ versions of FFXI vids at http://hosted.filefront.com/SoLissy61

Thanks and enjoy what I have up there for now. At FileFront I recently put a rather large file documenting the Sarameya ZNM fight. It wasn't nearly as difficult as people made it out to be. lolwiki.

Forgive and Always Forget

It's often hard to inspect the thoughts
Or intentions of the Seas
Deep and vast between the Minds
Of all who live to be
The Dreamers of the cosmic Dreams
The Weavers of the Weave
Who sail upon the Ships of Stars
Beyond the Shores of the
Once sane and always bustling Ports
Where trade once always played
And peddled Lies to those who spoke
Of Truth as Hope once slain.

The Secret to Life: Whole People Live by Stereotypes (even if they don't admit it)

You know I noticed that it’s not often that I discuss my transexuality on this blog much at all, and for good reason, if I talked about it all day long until my face was blue it would become boring and my blog would be branded as being static, at least in my eyes. So anyway, I was thinking maybe I should change it up, and talk about it a little bit. I hope this ends up to be an entertaining read.

My whole life, I have adored music because there is nothing quite like it. Music evokes feeling and turns it into sonic energy, at least the good music does. I’ve gone through various stages of growth in my taste for music just as a child grows to like tomatoes or something as they get older. Despite all the changes one thing remained the same about my outlook on music. Epic and depressing music always struck a chord with me, in particularly the kind of music termed Metal nowadays (and not this shitty American hard core stuff either REAL METAL like Ronnie James Dio). I remember sitting in the back of my Dad’s 1971 RS Camaro (omg beautiful car btw), listening to Black Sabbath’s “Heaven and Hell” and Meat Loaf’s “Bat Out of Hell.” I couldn’t get enough of these two tapes, not to mention they both had epic and depressing qualities to the architecture of the actual music. During my Freshmen year of High School my thirst for music with these qualities grew to an all-time high and by the time I had discovered bands like Cradle of Filth, Darkthrone, and Emperor. My life was never quite the same after that, I was so inspired I even had a short 4 year stint playing guitar in a fairly well known group of musicians. This was all before I started my transition. Back when I was a guy, back before all the problems I’ve had with my family and everything in general. This was even before FFXI if you believe that!

After I began my transition, I was still more/less the same person, I mean, it’s not like I had a hormonal lobotomy removing any memory of my past and likes or dislikes. I had stopped writing and performing music, but my tastes still remained the same. Which left everyone that knew me before pretty confused. “Girls don’t like Metal wtf, and girls definitely don’t play this kind of Metal! How can we honestly believe this, how can we accept this after the lifestyle you lived in the past…” (etc., etc., etc. into the infinities of the second proto-star system of Proxima Centauri) This whole dialogue still goes on today among my once trusted family, and it comes to no surprise since they already have their own preconceptions of which qualities make and do not make a female. Hell, everyone does, same goes for how people preconceive behavior for men. I can’t remember the number of times that I heard that stereotypes don’t exist yadda yadda yadda, but the fact is that they do exist. The media is mainly to fault here. Why do you think some women have image problems? Because there are certain hallmarks or stereotypes that they feel they MUST fulfill to be a whole person. Let’s go through the list of what the media expects a female to be.

-Attractive

-Slender (i.e perfect body)

-Well-endowed (breast wise)

-Sensitive

-Strong and/or Strong-Willed (only prevalent in recent memory…uh go Wimmin Power?!)

-Seductive

-Stylish

-Vegetarian or Vegan

-Smart to an extent

-Timid

-Savvy

-Caring

-Sex object or a walking Vagina

-A baby factory

These are just a few things that I notice personally from the media that I have seen younger females especially try to emulate. I mean gosh, all I see nowadays is walking Vaginas and Penises, it’s terrible in my point of view. It seems sex is all that comes to this life. But I definitely would have to disagree, just as I disagree with all the stereotypes filling everyone’s head to the brim with images of these stereotypes.

I get it. I think. In the REAL world women aren’t allowed to be interested by war, politics, METAL, eating a nice juicy steak (even though I hate steak, some women like steak!), video games, speaking their minds when they have a strong opinion about something, females aren’t allowed to be anything a man is. Omg did I just say that? If a female has any male personality qualities, I think men and their staunch supporters view it as further demeaning what it means to have a penis inside of your trousers. Idk, the gender gap is pretty, well, loose at this particular point in time so I really don’t know what the big deal is, I guess some people are still old fashioned even if they are twenty years old. The internet makes a lot of subjects seem less impacting than they really are. Some people STILL think homosexuals are bad or evil people. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure there are some bad and evil homosexuals somewhere, for other reasons entirely, like killing 75,843,985,734 people, but most couldn’t be anywhere close to that amount of sheer iniquity. We might as well come out at this point and say any person of either gender that does not live under the stereotypes brought on by the media isn’t a person at all. The world is actually becoming this too. People that color outside the lines are blackballed by the normal folk for not following their ideas. The anti-culture of the 60s has become that movement. But anyway, I’m rambling quite a bit. I guess the point of this is, I’m a weirdo girl, I like Heavy Fuckin’ Metal, video games, and politics among other things. I won’t lie, I do have some aspects physically and mentally in the stereotypes I listed above, but don’t live up to every single one. It doesn’t make me any less of a person or any less a female.